Here's the deal: Last Saturday, I was talking to my best friend on the phone and she just started crying. It turns out that she's been depressed for quite a while. Nothing too horrible, but life has just been really hard on her lately...money problems, school, family, etc. So, I comforted her as best I could from 2,000 miles away and the next morning I shot off an e-mail to some of the people that are closest to her, asking them to be extra nice to her, maybe call her or visit her and cheer her up.
Pretty innocuous e-mail.
The next day, I get this reply from her closest friend at home: (I'm including it here because I don't want to misquote or misrepresent it. I did remove names, though. What I did was put their relationship in brackets. So, let's say she mentions someone named, I don't know, Bill, who's a mutual friend. I would replace his name with [mutual friend], I will keep the designations seperate, though. There will only be one of each.)
--beginning of message--
You know I don't know what to do about her. This has been going on alot longer than recently - it's been going on for almost a year and I don't know why.
Last year it got really bad to the point where she was talking suicide so I called [her sister] and asked her if
she was having problems at home. [Her sister] said no but she called and seemed to talk some sense into her.
I don't know if you know what all went on last year but don't tell her I told you because like you said...she'd scalp me. Basically she started getting violently posessive of me...it got to the point that if I wanted to do *anything* without her she'd have a crying fit and start screaming at me. I couldn't even go out for a beer with the guy I liked at the time because if I did she'd throw a knock down drag out tantrum and not only start crying but start telling me that I never did anything with her. And I honestly don't know where she got that because I literally rearranged my whole schedule on many MANY occassions so that I could be with her. I even went dancing with her every Thursday and I *hate* dancing (but really don't tell her that!).
The whole thing started really weirding me out...one night she did a tarot reading on me that said I was going to have a new romantic relationship and she looked like she was ready to throw down and take me outside. [A mutual friend] was there too and it really scared her. But [my best friend] started screaming, "I don't want you dating ANYBODY and if you do I'll find a way to end it!" This is NOT the girl I've known for 18 years!!! It's really scaring me.
After that she took every chance she could to belittle me (i.e. telling me I was a crappy dresser, I was getting fat, etc.) And I didn't say anything but part of me kept thinking "Hey isn't this what [evil former roommate] did to YOU?"
Finally I thought maybe part of the problem was me...you know, you live with somebody too long they get in your hair. So we fixed it up so she could live with [another friend] because I thought since she is alot more bubbly than I am it might help her.
Basically the REAL reason [another friend] didn't move in with [my best friend] is she saw [my best friend]'s personality changing over the course of the year from the girl you and I know and love to...well..bitch. I guess things boiled over at A-kon and [another friend] decided to ditch her.
So I'm living with [mutal friend] now and there hasn't been a single night [my friend] hasn't been at my place. I even had her over when I was trying to get a mess of homework done. The other night when I was absolutely DEAD tired because I had to be up for work at 5:30 she stayed over using my computer and talking to me until 2.
I don't know what else I can do here. I'm trying to write my thesis, hold down my job, and keep my own life sane and stable. And yes, I have a boyfriend now but I'm trying to keep he and [my best friend] as separate as possible because I know she's going to openly resent him. It's a mess. And from what she's told me you and I are alot alike...I get hermetic sometimes...I want to be alone...and I CAN'T because I feel like I need to take care of her and it's driving me slightly mad. At the end of last semester I was *yea* close to having a nervous breakdown because of the whole situation.
I want to help her...I want to be there for her...but I think she needs some help besides ours. She's been showing some serious symptoms of bipolarism...I think it's more than just a case of the blues.
But I can't convince her to go see anybody and if I mention it she tries to take my head off. Did I mention she started taking my Xanax at the end of last semester? Twice I gave it to her but broke it in half because she looked like she was on the verge of a coniption fit and it had seemed to help her before.
And then I discovered some of my pills were missing...I don't know if you're familiar with Xanax or not but that's heavy duty wicked stuff. She was also taking this stuff [mutual friend]'s boyfriend takes that's the prescription equivalent of speed which I told her not to take...I even tried to find where she hid the pills so I could steal them.
I know this didn't help you any but I'm feeling helpless here too. I want to help her but I want to preserve my sanity at the same time which it's getting increasingly hard to do. The other thing...you said send this on to some of her other university friends. She doesn't realy have any because last year she pushed everybody away.
I'm at a loss....any feedback you can give me would be great because I don't know what to do for her anymore. Maybe between the two of us we can come up with something. *sigh*
--end of message--
That sounds very worrisome and sincere, doesn't it? After reading that, I was EXTREMELY concerned about my best friend. Naturally, I had heard none or very different versions of all of this. I felt like my best friend was keeping secrets from me, that she was in need of some serious help.
I, of course, responded to her e-mail with one of my own, expressing concern and puzzlement.
I'm not going to put the whole transcript of her reply to me here, just know that she made more serious accusations and mentioned more of my best friend's bizarre behavior, claiming that others were there to witness them. Perhaps you are beginning to sense my hesitation to believe what she wrote.
The thing is, I've known my best friend for almost ten years and we're extremely close. I feel like I have a very good handle on the kind of person she is. I've seen her at her best and her worst. When I read these e-mails, they just didn't feel right to me. It just seemed too...off.
My best friend and this girl were friends in elementary school, but lost touch until college. I don't know her that well, aside from a few occasions I've been with her during visits home. I wasn't sure if I could believe her or not, but, I needed to be absolutely sure about my best friend's current state. I had just talked to her on the phone and she sounded fine, but if this girl's e-mails were to be belived, then my best friend had been lying to me for a long time. And they were together all the time. I only go home during the holidays, so far all I knew...
So, I made some calls. I talked to my best friend's sister and I had a long chat with another one of our mutual best friends, a girl who went to high school with us. She had just seen my best friend and, in one of the e-mails the girl claimed that she had been a witness to one of my best friend's fits.
Neither of them had any idea what I was talking about. Yes, they were aware of the fact that my best friend had been depressed lately, but psychotic? Obsessed and pill popping? Nope, sorry. A few of the stories had nuggets of truth in them, but were grossly exaggerated.
My suspicions were correct. This girl had to be lying. Even if I chose to believe that my best friend was not being honest with me, why would these other people lie to me?
But why would she write that to me? Why would she make me worry so much? The truth is, I really think she has issues of her own. During this little investigation, I found out a few things about her that really shed some light on a few things. To put it succinctly: she's a drama queen and attention whore.
If you re-read her e-mail above it's all "me, me, me. She's obsessed with me, I have so much to do, I almost had a breakdown," etc.
Hey, I only had one semester of psychology, but it doesn't take an expert in Jungian theory to know this girl has problems.
I bet you're wondering why I feel bad about all of this? Well... after stewing over it for a few days, I decided to tell my best friend about this. She, naturally, was very upset and cried a lot. I felt, and still feel like a complete shit, like the person who tells a woman that her husband is cheating on her.
I really believe that my best friend should know about this. This girl has issues and Lord only knows what she's been telling other people. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm a tattletale, that I should have let well enough alone. But honestly, how could I have dealt with seeing this girl or hearing about her from my best friend? I'm lousy at keeping secrets. And in the end, all I want to do is protect my best friend from someone who obviously does not have her best interests in mind.
Still stewing, I wrote the girl back a final time. I'm posting the e-mail here: (names edited out, same as above)
--beginning of message--
I read over your e-mails several times and the one thing I kept thinking was: that's not [my best friend].
I talked to other friends and family and they all agreed. Finally, I was concerned enough to talk to [my best friend] herself.
She and I have been friends for nearly ten years and I know that she would not lie to me.
I was very frank with her and she returned the favor.
Yes, some of the incidents you described in your e-mail happened, but other people I talked to did not describe them as happening quite like you said. [Mutual best friend] had no clue what you were talking about when I mentioned the "great FLCL incident." After some prodding, the best I could get out of her was, "Oh, well, I think she was annoyed." Surely [mutual best friend] wouldn't have forgotten a crying screaming fit. And I probably would have heard about it. [My best friend] didn't even know the cd was a Taiwanese import.
[My best friend]'s sister and [my best friend] remember AKON with [another friend] as being a little tense at the end because after three days the girls had gotten on each others nerves. Nothing she or [my best friend] told me sounded like anything that would have frightened [another friend] into opting out of living >with [my best friend]. And the whole birthday dinner fight thing was not quite as I remembered it. I seem to recall [my best friend] being upset because she had invited [another friend] to a family birthday dinner a full month or so before her birthday and then [another friend] backed out at the last minute to spend time with her boyfriend, even after [my best friend] extended the invitation to include him. I personally think [another friend] should be ashamed of herself considering that for her birthday the year before, [my best friend] baked a cake, waited in line for hours for Harry Potter tickets AND wrote a paper that was due the next day.
Yes, she is depressed and yes, at times she can be clingy. But I have never known her to be the obsessive, hysterical nut case you described in your e-mails.
I believe I have seen her at her absolute worst and even then, she was nowhere near how you described her.
Now, I don't know you. And everything I've ever heard from [my best friend] painted you in a positive light. But, you know, from her stories, I see a trend of not her needing you as much as you need her. She is a person who wants to help, to see the best in people. That has gotten her burned before, with [evil ex-friend] and [evil former roommate], both people who liked her because she was an ego boost to them, a "yes" man, a loyal friend. When she was no longer useful to them they discarded her and it hurt her very much.
You seem to have a lot of problems, and I don't know how many of them are real and how many of them are imagined or exaggerated, and of course, she would run to your aide whenever you needed her. Now that she needs you, you seem a little less willing to help.
I see your e-mails to me to be at worst completely malicious lies, at best exaggerations. She is depressed and she does need help, but if a diagnosis was to be made based soley on your testimony, she'd be trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey and given enough electroschock therapy to light up Manhattan.
I have no idea if [another friend] and all of her other university "friends" feel the same way about her or if you have convinced them that she's something crazy. But if this is what her friends are like, then she'd be better off alone.
I have talked to her about this. She knows. I suspect that you two, if she is willing to talk to you, and she probably will be, have some serious discussions ahead of you. If I had my way, she'd kick your ass to the curb along with all your baggage, but she is a lot nicer than I am.
I suggest you drag yourself away from your busy life and get some help yourself.
When I wrote that e-mail to you and the others, I had only her best intentions in mind.
I'm not so sure you did.
--end message--
I think I could have been way bitchier. But I held back, except for the bit at the end.
I'm sorry I wrote this long-ass post, but guys, this has been a big deal for the last couple of days and I needed to share it, even in this forum. I guess I'd like to hear some affirmation that I did the right thing, that I'm not an asshole for telling my best friend about the e-mails. Of course, if you do think I'm an asshole, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep that to yourself.
