Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Welcome to the Land of Lummoxes


2003-08-04 at 2:53 p.m.

I was cleaning out my e-mail box and I found this angry e-mail I sent to family and friends around October. It made me chortle. God, I was mad.

You might be asking yourself: What is a lummox? Well, let me tell you.

A lummox is my designation for the thickwitted patrons I occasionally have to deal with. (I'm a librarian-in-training, I MUST CATEGORIZE THINGS! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA *choke*, ahem)When do I bestow this designation on a particular patron? What are my standards for stupidity?

Well...

1. If I put the bell out that says "Please ring for service" because I'm in the back Xeroxing and a patron simply stands at the desk, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BELL AND SIGN, WAITING for me to come back, then that person is a lummox. Bonus points if they clear their throats and shuffle papers to get my attention. Death if they slam books down and say 'Excuse me? Can I get some service?' The answer to that question is always NO!

2. If they ask me where the:

Documents Section, reserve desk or periodicals are then they are a lummox. There are very big signs written in clear, bold letters (in ENGLISH) that say: DOCUMENTS, RESERVE and PERIODICALS. These signs are right next to the desk or over it. Bonus points if they ask for journals and I say "Periodicals are upstairs" to which they reply: "No, I want the journals." (That has happened before)

3. If they say that they can't find a book, drag me downstairs to find it and then I find it either right where it was supposed to be or a few books over, then they are a lummox. ("Oh, it was there the whole time! Silly me!") Bonus points if they can't even find the dammed shelf it's supposed to be on and then I lead them there. ("Oh, THAT shelf")

4. If they ask where the science books are, then they are a lummox. Science books have their own flippin' library.

5. If they come up to me and say: "I need a reserve" and expect me to use my psychic powers to find out what reserve they need, then they are a lummox. Bonus points if they say "It was green and real big or it was about this guy...he was Chinese or something." <--both real quotes (by the way, that maybe Chinese guy? Mao.)

6. If they ask me to change a twenty, fifty or hundred then they are either a lummox or an asshole. (I've been asked, for all three. The usual response is mocking laughter)

7. If their paper is due in the morning and they need a book out of special collections, inter-library loan or one that has been checked out, and they expect me to use the force or the Case Library Translocation Machine (TM) to make said book magically appear, then they are a lummox. Bonus points for waiting until the last minute and then getting mad at me for not having everything on hand.

8. If they can't figure out how to use the Xerox machine, then they are a lummox. I'm sorry, maybe I'm being harsh here, but Colgate is supposedly one of the top twenty universities in the country and you expect me to be tolerant of people who can't manage to buy a copy card and use it? No way, Jose. I have standards.

9. If, when they click print on the computer and their paper doesn't immediately come out, they then feel compelled to hit print fifty more times, thus jamming the queue and making me mad, then they are a lummox.

10. If they don't save their paper and then disaster strikes (and it always does) and it's gone, and they expect me to retrieve it, then they are a lummox. Too bad, so sad!

If a lummox racks up too many bonus points then he/she leaves the land of lummoxes, who are mostly gentle, if stupid creatures and becomes an asshole. Assholes are lazy and generally expect me to jump to my feet and salute when they give me an order. This is on top of stupid. Assholes are very, very dangerous and should be treated with contempt. Rudeness generally frightens and confuses them. If that fails, then poke them with a sharp stick until they run away.

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