Mom: He completely deserved it.
Me: Al wouldn't tell me what he did since apparently, we were on speakerphone. So, fill me in on the gory details. Will I be seeing any insurance money?
Mom: Only if you don't go to the cops.
Me: Of course not. We both know he had it coming.
Mom: Exactly. I know I only used to threaten to kill him everytime we went on vacation and he would, inevitably, get us to the airport five minutes before the flight, forget our tickets, make hotel reservations in ghettos and generally be an ass, but this...this was such a heinous act that threats could not bring me justice. Only death would do.
Me: Well? Spit it out.
Mom: He suddenly had this urge to polish his shoes. In 35 years he's never polished his shoes and then, suddenly, he must polish. So, he gets out the shoe polish, you know, the liquid stuff that comes in a bottle with a sponge top? You just squeeze and shine?
Me: Right.
Mom: And then genius decides that he's not getting enough polish on his shoes, so he takes the sponge off and pours the polish onto his shoes and my fucking carpet.
Me: It was black shoe polish, wasn't it?
Mom: Of course. Black shoe polish on my pale brown carpet. But, darling, it doesn't end there.
Me: I didn't think so. Staining the carpet, as I recall, is only a whipping offense.
Mom: Exactly. So, after ruining the carpet in my den, he goes into the bedroom...
Me: Oh, no. I can just see where this is going...
Mom: He sits on the bed and pours polish on the other shoe AND my carpet AND my bedspread.
Me: Whoa. That right there is tantamount to suicide.
Mom: Yes. The man has no learning curve. But what really pissed me off was when he got mad at me for getting mad. Like he's completely innocent and I'm some sort of nut. HE RUINED MY CARPET IN TWO ROOMS AND MY BEDSPREAD! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO GET CARPETS CLEANED?
Me: Calm down, mom. Just breathe.
Mom: I AM CALM!
Me: You're scary when you're mad. I'm 2,000 miles away and the hair is just standing up on my neck.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: That's okay. Say, mom, you didn't really kill dad, did you? Becacuse he pays my rent, so I sort of need him alive, at least until I get a better job.
Mom: No, he's not really dead. But he sure wishes he was.
Currents...
Currently reading...
Jane and the Man of the Cloth by Stephanie Barron
Currently hearing...
Whining of Colgate students.
Currently watching...
Monk, Forensic Files, North Mission Road
Currently thinking...
I've lived in this apartment for two weeks...maybe it's about time I unpacked.
