Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Happy New Year!


2005-01-05 at 3:46 a.m.

Um hi. Miss me?

Right. Anywhoodles, I'm back! And I don't even know WHERE to start. Let's see...lists are good.

1. Driving to Dallas almost ends in DISASTER!
So, for the first time in recent memory, Texas was covered from stern to uh...something in snow. Which didn't bother me much, I mean, HELLO! I live in Central New York! I spend nine months out of the year covered in snow. As a result, Momdingo made me drive the snowiest part of the highway on our way from El Paso to Dallas to celebrate Christmas with the family. I was fine with it.

But everyone else seemed to think: "Hey, if I drive 75 on these icy roads, I'll get off them faster!" Dumbasses. I am happy to report that all the people who honked at me and passed me all ended up in ditches. I probably could have driven all the way to Dallas with only minimal stress, but Momdingo was in the back, shrieking everytime another car passed, everytime she saw a car in a ditch, everytime we hit ice, everytime...aww hell, let's just say that Momdingo shrieked non-stop.

Her shrieking put me on the edge, so we pulled over in Sweetwater and spent the night. Good thing we made Bobito fly this year, otherwise I might have sped over the ice myself, if for nothing else than the sweet oblivion of death.

But, we got to Dallas in time to make tamales and eat lots of Grandma's cooking, as well as good Southern BBQ courtesy of Dickie's, so all was not lost.

2. I get almost everything I wanted.
Although it takes some of the surprise out of Christmas, I find that the best way to ensure that I don't end up with a whole lotta underwear and sweatshirts with lacy collars and pictures of kittens on them, is to give Mom a very detailed list around Thanksgiving.

I have convinced myself that the surprise lies in not knowing which things she'll buy me. This year, she spread the joy by sharing the list with Big Al, who was feeling guilty for never buying me anything and my Uncle, who drew my name in the present swap. As a result, I am happier than a pig in slop and I ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

3. I become Dr. Phil
I need to start charging by the hour, I swear.

There's been a lot of angst surrounding Big Al and Little L's upcoming nuptials, and not all of it is strapless tea lenght and fuschia-related.

I'm not going to go into all the drama here, but since I was getting an earful from both parties, I decided to stage an intervention. It's amazing how much angst could have been avoided if Little L had just gone straight to my parents with information instead of depending on my idiot brother to convey it. If I had heard "But didn't Big Al tell your parents...?" one more time...DEATH! DESTRUCTION!

Anywhoodles, when I left, Little L, Big Al and my parents were getting along swimmingly and all angst seems to have been resolved. Until they fuck up again. I feel like Woodrow fuckin' Wilson sometimes. My League of Nations is destined to fail! Grr!

4. I spend New Year's completely sober. And I looked like a whore.

Moonspark and I, deprived of Mistress Chicken and Chupacabra's company this year, decided to forgo the hot man-on-man action that is the OP and spend a quiet New Year's at Moonspark's apartment, eating pizza and watching Japanese horror movies and anime.

But, because it was New Year's, we tarted ourselves up anyway. I bought a hot pink lace push-up bra and matching underwear, did my hair and make-up and wore massively high heels. All for the boys at the video rental place and Papa John's. I looked good, people, but I also looked like I charged by the hour.

And then, because I had a champagne bottle malfunction at midnight, I had to go out onto Moonspark's balcony, put the champagne bottle between my legs and PULL! to get it open.

Which would have been fine except some guys were partying on a balcony across the way from mine, saw me manipulating the bottle and invited me over for some hot Gem-chan on drunk man action. I declined due to the fact that I still had half a pizza and the rest of The RINGU to watch. And they were creepy.

5. The curse is broken!
Flying home to El Paso, I was subject to delays and I was forced to run as fast as my fat little legs would take me in both Detroit and Houston in order to make my connections because, apparently, when my flights are scheduled, the airlines feel that putting my arrival plane and my departing plane in different zip codes and time zones and with only ten minutes to get from Point A to Point Z is good for me.

In Houston, I was subject to the "never quite there" curse. I felt like I was in 'Poltergeist' and the hallway kept getting longer and longer and the gate was always just out of reach. It was tragic. But I made it both times, if just barely.

Knock on wood, my flights back to New York were pretty damn uneventful. There were some delays, but nothing terrible and I didn't have to run once. And when I got back, my luggage was there! Holy crap! Maybe the evil travel gypsy who cursed me has finally decided that I've paid for my sins.



New Year's Resolutions

1. Finish grad school, god damn it.
2. Lose enough weight to not send wedding guest screaming out of the church in horror when I walk down the aisle in fuschia dress.
3. Perhaps keep weight off.
4. Beat my previous record of 100 books in a year and read 200. I'm not bragging. I'm a bloody librarian. It's my JOB.
5. Maybe make a few of those aforementioned books worthwhile reads, instead of constant diet of smutty romances and Onion books.
6. Clean n'shit.
7. End each month with a positive bank balance.
8. Pay all bills on time, or at least on time-ish.
9. Be nicer.
10. Eliminate credit card debt. It's within my power to do so, if I stop wasting money on useless crap.
11. Stop shopping at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is EVIL. Cheap, fun evil, but EVIL nonetheless.
12. Find somewhere not Wal-Mart that is open 24 hours to waste time in. Maybe Price Chopper.
13. Be the best librarian EVER. (cue Rocky theme music)
14. Buy everyone a smoking monkey.
15. Stop being so damn awesome as it intimidates the less awesome.

I think it's all do-able. Indeed.


Currents...

Currently Reading...
Book reviews. I'm behind on my book buying.

Currently Hearing...
Artificial Joy Club. 'Melt'

Currently Watching...
Family Guy DVDs, LOR: Return of the King (The extended version), whatever useless celebrity crap is on VH-1 (and jonesin' for I Love the '90s: Part Deux), true crime stuff on A&E.




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