Here are some highlights from my trip home for Thanksgiving:
1. My mom made an appointment for me at her salon, because I guess she thinks I've let myself go. Not that I ever had myself anyway. Does that make sense?
Anywho, I went to the salon for a day of slutting up. Toni did my hair and damn, did it look sexy. Naturally, I was unable to reconstruct that look the next day. Stella did my nails and toes.
And then, as I was blowing on my sexy OPI nails, color 'La Boheme', Stella came up to me with an artfully innocent look, something hidden behind her back.
"What are you hiding behind your back?" I asked suspiciously.
"Well, there's something I've always wanted to do, and your mom said to take care of you, so..." She inched towards me, looking intent.
I pressed back into the chair. "What are you doing, Stella?"
Then she pounced and WAXED ME!
Stella waxed my eyebrows and good goddamn, it hurt. I cried like a baby. But I look sexy, anyway. I have arched sass-brows.
2. As per usual, everyone got really drunk and goofed around. Thanksgiving Dinner, despite the phone call from Special K, was excellent. I porked out. Damn near ate a whole pumpkin pie by myself. I hoarded the Reddi-Whip, squirting it directly into my mouth, growling whenever anyone tried to take it away. I needed the sugar.
Shane burned the pecan pie, but we discovered that if you peeled off the burnt top layer (he called it 'carmalization', I called it charred), it was perfectly good. Perhaps one day I will post my ex-Aunt Wilma's recipe for pecan pie here, as it is a real Southern treat. And better for the psyche than prozac.
3. My best friend has a boyfriend now. He's nice, but it is surely a sign of the apocolypse as she used to be more man-inept than me, as though that were possible.
I've been her Dr. Ruth, giving all sorts of sex advice, which is really funny, sort of like asking a eunuch for tips. 'Cause, you know, as previously discussed, my experience is limited to checking in sticky copies of the Kama Sutra and having old condoms land on my hand. But, I seem to have picked up a lot of useful information from somewhere. Maybe from reading all that pirate smut.
4. In a complete nerd moment, I went from a bar to Wal-Mart at 2 AM to buy Pirates of the Caribbean on DVD. It was due to come out on Dec.2, and I figured that 2 AM on Dec. 2 WAS NOT TOO EARLY. Besides, I've got Wal-Mart's restocking schedule memorized. So, I immediately went home and watched it. And all the extra features. Lord, I suck.
It's 4:30 and I'm going home.
