Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Attack of the Phantom Peni!


2004-06-29 at 4:44 p.m.

I was sorting through a box of junk the other night while watching television, when my randy upstairs neighbor offered me a beer through my living room window, which looks out onto the front porch (it has blinds, thank goodness). That was a little creepy. Nice, friendly and neighborly, but also creepy. I was just sitting there when he yelled out, with no preamble, "Hey, Margaret, want a beer?"

I thanked him but politely declined since I don't really drink, plus I heard him complaining to a friend while sitting on the front porch earlier that afternoon that he couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with fifty dollar bills coming out of his pants. Not that he was hoping to get me liquored up so he could seduce me or anything, but I didn't want to give him any ideas.

Lord, how hard up am I that I have to imagine the possibility that I might have just narrowly escaped a ravishing? He was probably just being nice and here I am, acting like a nervous old spinster, imagining perverts hiding behind bushes or something. I kind of wish there were perverts, at least then I'd have something tangible to be nervous about. There's something a little bit pathetic about me jumping at imaginary schlongs.

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