I have many, many Gem-chan gets stuck in things stories, so many, in fact, that I had to whittle the long list down to 2. It took me a while.
Story 1: The Lazy Susan
If you know my dad, then you know this story. This here story is his absolute FAVORITE story to tell strangers at cocktail parties, bars, political rallies, business meetings and anywhere else where there is a lull in the conversation.
I didn't remember a lot of this (I was 5!), so I consulted my dad.
1985, El Paso, Texas. A bright, sunny Sunday morning.
When I was little I slept in Carebear underwear and t-shirts. I might have also been a little pork ball. Ok, I was. And this plays heavily into my story.
So, it was Sunday morning and I decided that I was going to forgo cereal and have a fruit roll-up instead. My mom scowled but allowed it because frankly, it was easier than enduring my temper tantrums. But, she had a rule: No food outside the kitchen unless it's in the dining room. Well, my parents were in the dining room and the Sunday paper was strewn all about the table. So, I looked around the kitchen for a place to sit.
My older brother was sitting at the breakfast nook table thingie and was glaring at me. No seat for you, he seemed to say. The counters were too high and the floor looked a little gritty. What's a 5 year old girl who just wants to relax with a fruit roll-up to do?
Improvise. That's what she'd do.
We had a lazy susan built into the corner cabinet. Do you know what a lazy susan is? In our case, it was a revolving two tiered shelf hidden inside a corner cabinet. Here's an example.
So, in my 5-year old mind, it seemed like a damn good idea to open up the lazy susan and sit on the bottom shelf. My mom was in the dining room and couldn't see me, my brother was ignoring me and reading the comics. My dad probably wouldn't have stopped me if he did see me.
An aside: He was (is) a very, very laid back kinda dad. Me: Can I jump off a cliff? Dad: (watching baseball or football or whatever sport is on)Sure, just be home before your mom gets back or I'll be in trouble.
Anyway, back to the story:
So, I do it, sit in the lazy susan, that is. Except that I have to wedge my chubby little butt into it because I don't quite fit.
It's a little uncomfortable, but not too bad if I sort of lean forward and put most of my weight on my legs and ignore the second shelf poking me in the back. Mostly content, I unwrap my fruit roll up and begin eating.
After a few minutes, I felt the tingle of legs going to sleep. I tried to shift and realized that I couldn't. Hmm. Not a problem, I'll just stand up. I tried to sort of pop out by putting all my weight on my legs and leaning forward, waving my arms. No go. I was apparently stuck.
Very quietly, I hissed at my brother to help me. I didn't want mom to find out what I've done. While I was never specifically banned from sitting in the lazy susan, I suspected that I'd be in trouble anyway. My brother goggled at me for a few moments and then opened his big, fat mouth. "Mom! Gem's stuck in the cabinet!" (He actually said my real name, but hey, the names have been changed to protect the stupid, namely, me.)
My mom came rushing in, followed by my dad, who took one look at me and burst out laughing. My mom glared at him, probably thinking something along the lines of: "She must get this from his side of the family. No one related to me has ever been stuck in anything."
My dad continued to giggle while my mom attempted to extract me. She grabbed both my arms and pulled, hard. But I was not coming out. She pulled again and then tried to loosen my butt suction by rocking me back and forth. Failure.
She turned and glared at my dad who is slumped against the wall, holding his stomach and yelled: "Goddammit, Bob, stop laughing and help me!"
My dad regained some of his composure, wiped the tears from his eyes and helped her pull. But I was not coming out.
They worked on it for about fifteen minutes. Meanwhile, my thighs were turning blue. Finally, at a loss, my dad called the fire department.
"It's not a real emergency, exactly." He tells them. "So, you don't need the sirens and everything."
Five minutes later, two fire trucks and an ambulance came charging up the street, sirens shrieking, lights flashing. Ten fully uniformed firemen jumped out and rush into the house to save me from the yawning jaws of the lazy susan.
They couldn't get me out, either. So, they began to dismantle the counter so they could free me. My mom was glaring at me. I knew then that I was in serious trouble. I kinda hoped they wouldn't get me out.
But, alas, after fiddling with the counter and the lazy susan for about twenty minutes, they freed me. I came out like a super lame Baby Jessica and I had to dance around the kitchen, fighting pins and needles to restore the circulation to my legs.
My dad shook the head fireman's hand and said: "I bet this sort of thing happens all the time, huh?"
The fireman kind of looked at my dad for a long moment and then said, "Actually, I have never seen this sort of thing before and I've been a fireman for fifteen years." He then shook his head and left, gesturing for his henchmen to follow.
They peeled out of our driveway with sirens blasting and lights flashing, another fat little girl saved from a kitchen cabinet. All in a day's work.
My mom banned fruit roll-ups.
Next time: I Get Stuck In Things A Lot: Part 2, Electric Boogaloo
