No, the realization wasn't that Wal-Mart is evil and my shopping there is like being an enthusiastic part of a Nazi ticker-tape parade, and throwing my underwear at Hitler. I have that realization every time I go there and buy low-priced foreign made crap.
This realization was about the girl who hit my father with her car last January.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When I'm depressed, my defenses tend to be down and every terrible thing my evil little mind can come up with has a tendency to be presented to me in minute, technicolor detail. So, I've been dwelling.
I had a long, unpleasant conversation with my brother yesterday in which he laid out just how screwed my mom and dad are, financially, (the mental stuff I knew) which he punctuated by the announcement that more than likely, my childhood home would have to be put up for sale. He used words like "bankruptcy", "fucked" and "homeless". Great. Thanks for the pep talk, asshole. That's why I never call you.
Anyway, he also mentioned that the girl who hit my father is scheduled for a deposition next month, perhaps while I'm there visiting. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. I felt a vicious little thrill at the idea of pinning this girl with a look of utter and total hatred, of making her cry somehow.
But later that night, as I was wandering through the aisles of Herr Walton's Final Solution Mart, it occured to me that, more than likely, this girl is scared out of her mind. She's all of, what, 19? Sure, she stupid and selfish, but damn, what were you when you were 19? This could ruin her life.
One stupid decision. How many stupid decisions did I make when I was 19? A lot of them. I was just lucky that no one else was hurt.
Then my evil little id whispered, "But shouldn't she suffer, shouldn't her life be ruined, like she ruined your father's?" and I thought to myself, No, and I was startled.
My father chose his current path. Yes, she set him on it, but he has chosen how he wants to deal (or not deal, as the case may be), and I can't blame her for my father's selfishness or inability to cope. I can't blame her for my father's inability to manage money or his tendency to rack up debt. I can't blame her for all his failings that have been revealed in the harsh light of his accident.
I was blaming her. I don't any more. I want her to take responsibility for what she did, that's all. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her life to be ruined. Enough pain has come from this, why bring more to bear?
It's not about being a Christian, this forgiveness. If you know me, you are aware of the truth in that. I'm not really a Christian. It's not some martyred, pious, holier than thou thing I'm trying to lord over anyone. It's just that, this whole thing makes me tired. Being angry, wishing evil, it's just...tiresome and not worth it.
I think I'm ready to move on with my life, let the chips fall where they may.
Ah, the healing Currents...
Currently Reading...
Candyfreak by Steve Almond
I'm in danger of serious weight gain if I don't finish this book soon. I've eaten many, many Sky Bars.
Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
I love this man, in all his former heroin-addicted, still-beating cobra heart eating freakishness. But this is another book that causes me to eat a lot. I must read a book about...I don't know, the joy of salad eating or something before I begin to resemble Godzilla.
Currently Hearing...
Foo Fighters, In Your Honor
I also love Dave Grohl. He's so perky.
Currently Watching...
Bleach
