Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Holiday with Mom


2004-04-11 at 1:45 a.m.

Me: Happy Easter, Mom!

Mom: It's Easter?

Me: Well, tomorrow.

Mom: Oh. I wondered why your father bought a ham.

Me: Geez, Mom, you're worse than me!

Mom: Yeah? When did you realize Easter was coming?

Me: Last Tuesday.

Mom: Do you think we're going to hell?

Me: Only if the Catholics are right. Maybe we should go see that Mel Gibson movie to repent.

Mom: I sincerely doubt that Mel Gibson is the key to salvation.

Me: You USED to think so.

Mom: That was before he got all wierd.

Me: You know, his father said that there was no Holocaust.

Mom: You're kidding! What did he think happened to all those people who died?

Me: According to him, they're all living in California and New York and monopolzing the movie and finance industries.

Mom: .:snort:. Right. Well, at least he gets points for originality. Creepy, psychotic orginiality. Speaking of that, you didn't end up sending that letter in to the search committee, did you?

Me: No. I threw it away.

Mom: Good girl, so you aren't an idiot after all.

Me: Gee, thanks. Ironically, someone else sent a letter to the search committee about the evil slag. He was telling me about it and acting like it was the smartest thing he'd ever done.

Mom: .:sigh:. Well, at least it wasn't you. When the shit hits the fan, hopefully, you won't get hit.

Me: I'll have a plastic sheet covering me, like the audience at a Gallager show.

Mom: Who?

Me: You know, Gallager. The comedian who smashes melons and stuff at his shows.

Mom: I'm afraid I don't know who that is.

Me: Gods Mom, do you know anything?

Mom: .:sniff:. I know a lot of things. I have advanced college degrees. Just because I don't know about a man who smashes produce for laughs does not make me inferior.

Me: Indeed. Quick, who were Peaches and Herb?

Mom: Huh? Is this some sort of cooking question?

Me: What about Sympathy for the Devil?

Mom: Now we're talking about religion? Are you taking your medication?

Me: Of course! Now, tell me what you know about Blondie?

Mom: What, the comic strip?

Me: Ha! You know nothing! Peaches and Herb were a R&B duo who recorded a string of hits in the '60s and '70s and early '80s. They sang 'Reunited' and 'Shake Your Groove Thing', among other things. 'Sympathy for the Devil' was a song by the Rolling Stones and Blondie was an '80s new wave/punk group fronted by Debroah Harry, who, incidentally, introduced rap music to the mainstream with her song 'Rapture'.

Mom: So? Can you tell me what pi is?

Me: Er...a pastry crust filled with fruit?

Mom: .:sigh:. Darling, I don't even want to think about how much your father and I spent on your college education.

Me: Bah!


What Flavour Are You? Tomato is what I taste like.Tomato is what I taste like.

I taste like nothing, except a tomato. I'm sometimes sweet and sometimes tart; sometimes juicy, sometimes crisp. The roles of a tomato are many and varied. I am an exception to all the rules. What Flavour Are You?

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