Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Even Freud doesn't know what to make of this.


2004-08-01 at 2:37 p.m.

Normally, my dreams are pretty obvious. You know, car out of control probably means I'm feeling...out of control. But the other night I had just about the wierdest dream I have ever had. Seriously. It was some sort of odd combination of VH-1, Lifetime and the History Channel. I know. Crazy.

So, in my dream, Victoria Principal and Fabio are married and own a very successful B&B and restaurant in the deep south during the civil war. Yes, I know. But it gets stranger.

So, Victoria isn't happy in her arranged marriage with Fabio, who doesn't speak much English and spends most of my dream strutting around shirtless, flexing, making eyes at the maids and spraying 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' spray on muffins.

Their chef, Richard Simmons, can't stand Fabio's excessive use of this faux butter spray and quits in a huff, but not before he performs a fabulous dance routine to 'I Will Survive' in a packed house during the dinner hour. In sequined shorts.

So, Victoria and Fabio, who can't cook, look for a new chef for their restaurant/B&B. Enter the new chef, John Mayer. They hired him for his mad cooking skills, but he soon proves to be just as good in other rooms as he is in the kitchen. So, Victoria Principal and John Mayer begin a torrid affair while Fabio obliviously goes on with his life, flexing and posing, all the while inexplicably followed around by a convenient breeze that tosses his hair about.

Then one of their patrons buys it in an outhouse and the three main characters are forced to ask just who they really can trust.

My dream ended in a spectacular court scene where John Mayer is standing trial for murdering the dead outhouse guy, except that he's innocent because at the time the guy was being killed, he was with Victoria, um, buttering her muffins. But Victoria didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to reveal their affair to Fabio.

But finally, she breaks down and confesses in front of a packed courtroom that at the time of the murder, she and John were en flagrante delecto in the restaurant's freezer...and she has the freezer burn to prove it!

Fabio is upset, naturally, but Victoria distracts him with a mirror and a spray bottle of fake butter. Then, suddenly, Richard Simmons bursts into the courtroom and confesses, cackling madly. "It was ME! I did it! ME!HAHAHAHAHAH!"

It turns out that the dead guy had seen Richard's farewell dance performance and had mocked his mad dance skills and his sequined shorts. So, Richard, in a fury, murdered him and stuffed him in the outhouse as revenge against Fabio for ruining his muffins with the fake spray-on butter.

Fabio divorces Victoria and runs off with a large mirror, and Victoria and John live happily ever after.

Yeah. I know. No more Lifetime TV before bed time.

3 comments so far



< < last ... next > >


Find me...

E-mail
Notes
Registered!







My blogger code: b8 d+ t- k- s u- f i o+ x e- l+ c (decode it!)


The current mood of Gemchan at www.imood.com