I said I had a breakthrough, not a breakdown, so let me clairify.
First, I was both a little pleased, but mostly embarassed because my mom mentioned to me that she had ordered a pizza the night before and the pizza delivery guy remembered me fondly and asked her say hi to me for him.
So, this brought on a long discussion about how the only men I seem to make an impression on are food service providers. That and the guy at Blockbuster who, six years later still reminds me on the rare occasions that I am in town and renting a movie, of that goddamned Kevin Sorbo movie that I rented once in a fit of...well, I have no idea why I was compelled to rent that movie, my only excuse is that I was young and naive in the ways of bad bo-hunk movies.
So, my mother praised me for being a good tipper, but I then made the mistake of asking her why exactly it was that I, at age 23 have never and I mean NEVER ever attracted a man or been with a man or anything even remotely resembling a man.
Yes, I'm as pure as the driven goddamned snow, and not necessarily by choice. I'm not ugly, not by a long shot. I'm no Nicole Kidman, but I don't shatter mirrors either. There are definitely bigger, uglier women out there than me who have boyfriends, even this one lady who works at a 'rival' library (yes, it's ever so very much like West Side Story, only geekier) who everyone thinks looks like a gorilla. SHE has a husband. And I, meanwhile, get hit in the arm and called 'buddy'.
Anyway, I'm rambling. So, my mother, in response to my query, tells me that the reason that men stay away in droves is because I emit a low frequency 'stay the hell away from me' vibe. And I skulk. Her word, not mine. So, I'm a skulking anti-social person. I chew on this for a while and say something that I never said even during the couple of years I was in therapy, which is: I skulk because I hate the way I look.
I don't want people to notice me, I'm ashamed of myself. So, I do my best to not be noticed. I've done this for so long that I don't know how not to.
Even now, when I'm in a pretty good place in my life, I can't stop the old habits. I hate meeting new people or being in crowds. I hate speaking up in class. My face always turns bright red and I end up saying something stupid.
Argh. It's beyond frustrating. I want to be sassy and actually say what I'm thinking. I want to go to parties and mingle, dammit. I've earned it. I should be proud of myself and what I've accomplished. But old habits are hard to break, I guess.
BUT I WILL PERSERVERE! Maybe. Crap. Ok, well, I will definitely consider the feasability of persevereing. A small caveat, I can't spell this late at night. I apologize for all the misspellings. Normally I check, but it's 2 a.m. and I've just done what two years of therapy didn't do, and all because I'm really, really tired. And the pizza guy remembered me. Argh.
Whoa. This has to be the most introspective journal entry I've ever written. Eek. I need to stop this and go back to making snippy comments about patrons and whining about nonimportant things.
But, before I give myself a complete mental make-over and realign my life I am going to do something much more difficult. Drag my ass to bed. Night folks! I'll be back in the morning and embarassed about this entry.
