First of all, thanks to all of you who've sent me e-mails or left me a note about my cat. I'm still very, very sad. Very sad, as in, I burst into tears tonight at the Japanese Kitchen and everyone thought it was because of the ginger salad. It was a good salad, I'm just sad.
I suffer from depression, something I am certain I've mentioned a lot. While I take medication for it that keeps me on an even keel 99% of the time, when I get thrown too many curveballs, I lose it.
The month of November was a super suck fest. Syracuse U. sent someone to break my kneecaps for my tuition payments, my living situation was problematic, my job at the university library entered a fresh phase of hell, I ran out of money, I have way more school assignments than time and then, just when I thought things couldn't get any shittier, my cat was run over and killed on Thanksgiving day. So, November sucked.
I can only handle so much and the death of my beloved kitty was, quite simply, the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost it and I am continuing to lose it on a rolling basis. The anxiety attacks and suffocating sadness attack randomly and without warning. Like tonight during dinner or yesterday while I was at a bar with my friends.
I always have a hard time around the holidays and this year is going to be even worse. I'm still in Texas with my family, but I go back to New York tomorrow, when the reality of my situation will hit me, no doubt with tsunami-like force.
I haven't quite come to terms with Hilde's death and I know that tomorrow I'll be looking for her when I pull up to the house and I'll probably lose it when I see her food bowl and cat carrier.
I am in the midst of moving out of the house and Special K and Baby J are leaving, too. I will miss them both so much, especially Baby J, whose life I have been a part of literally since the beginning. In some ways she's like my daughter and I know that losing her will hurt me badly. And now that I don't have Hilde to love on...
She's at the vet waiting to be cremated for the exorbidant price of $100.00, that money of which is coming out of my Christmas bonus, which I was hoping to use to buy people presents.
I don't know what I'm going to do with her ashes. Probably keep them and make a little memorial. God, I am the cat lady.
I guess I'm taking this so hard because she really ingratiated herself into every aspect of my life. I don't let people or animals even get too close for precisely this reason. I don't handle loss well and I'm afraid of it. But I love...loved, my cat and I miss her terribly.
Everyone keeps telling me to get a new cat and I suppose I will some day but right now I'm pretty sure if I went into the Humane Society, I would just lose it. Lose it like I am right now.
I am also feeling very guilty about the manner of my cat's death. When I first got her, I vowed never to let her out of the house because I was afraid of her getting hit by a car. I kept her indoors for almost a year and she was miserable. She was an outdoor cat by nature and hated being cooped up. So, against my better judgement, I started letting her outside, always a little afraid when I did.
My mom says I did the right thing, letting her be happy and that she had a very good, if short, life. I guess she did. I took good care of her and she was a very happy cat as far as I could tell. So that's comforting, but not as comforting as having her alive and waiting for me when I get home.
I'm sorry if this journal entry is long winded and self-pitying. I'm trying to work through all of this, trying to keep myself on an even keel. I'm hoping that by acknowledging all of this and by dealing with it, I'll heal faster. I am in so much pain right now, I can barely stand it.
I'm not one of those people who shake their fists and blame God for all their misfortunes. I'm fairly certain He/She/It has nothing to do with this, except for maybe rolling the dice occasionally. But I can't help but wonder if there is some reason for everything falling on my shoulders at once. Is there a lesson in all of this? Something I will be getting in exchange for all this pain? Do I get a prize if I make it through the holidays intact? I certainly hope so.
