Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


Dorothy Parker

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.


Bertrand Russell

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

Small and Crappy


2004-09-09 at 8:45 p.m.

I am puzzled. See, I don't generally like children all that much. I suffer them and, on the rare occasion I find one who is evil and reminds me of myself when I was little, I enjoy tormenting them, but rarely do I like them.

You know how cats seem to gravitate towards people that either dislike them or are allergic to them? That's me and children. They gravitate. For some wierd reason, kids like me. They come up to me and talk to me, a complete stranger. They tell me jokes, they give me things, they hug me. It's crazy.

Tonight I was at the laundromat doing my usual three loads when this little girl and her littler sister came up and just started talking to me like we were old friends.

At first I thought maybe they were library kids or something, but I didn't recognize them and then they asked me if I was a Brimstone University student. Telling them I was not seemed to raise my stock with them. After they buttered me up by playing with my bras and running away with my laundry detergent, they asked me for a $1.00 for the soda machine. That takes balls. I never would have done it when I was their age.

I was so impressed with their nerve, I gave them a dollar and their mom yelled at me. Maybe if you had kept an eye on them lady, they wouldn't have spent thirty minutes driving me nuts and then I wouldn't have felt compelled to give them money. Poo to you.

I think maybe kids like me because I don't treat them like they're stupid. It always used to drive me nuts as a child when adults would speak to me like I was borderline retarded. I was a very smart child and that irritated me more than Reagan's IranContra testimony.

So, I talk to them like normal people. I don't raise the pitch of my voice or get on my knees and make silly faces. I just talk to them. Kids seem to like that. Maybe I should treat them like other adults do, maybe then they'd leave me alone.


Brimstone University is being stalked by a Phantom Shitter.

I am not kidding. Three times now the pool has had to be closed because someone has taken a big ol' dump on the deck. Someone somehow breaks into the pool after it's locked up for the night and does his/her business.

Frankly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was a disgruntled employee. The way Brimstone U. treats its employees, I'm actually surprised there isn't more turd terrorism going on.

If only there was some way I could direct this Shit Bandit to the Library of the Underworld. I know exactly where there are no cameras and where a shit would not likely be found until it had stunk up the entire library.

Phantom Shitter, I salute you. You're doing the Lord's work, my friend.

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